This post has been a long time coming. I guess there’s been a few reasons as to why it’s taken so long. Here’s my guesses..
1. It’s taken me a long time to remember WHY I started writing. Which IS: To share my experiences of living my life with family, friends and anyone else who will humor me. It’s really easy to get sucked into the whole “blogging world” and worried about what everyone else is doing. like soooo easy to do. So after one agonizing creative block, after another, I decided to sit down and start sharing life again. Aka. This post.
2. Life wasn’t all glitter and rainbows like I wanted it to be. If you have been following my blog since the beginning, you know I started this at, probably one of the highest moments of my life. I quit my job and was traveling the world, with who I thought was the “love of my life”. And if you continued to follow my blog or other social media channels, you slowly watched my life unravel. So. Much. Fun. It’s harder to talk about things that are painful and depressing, especially when you’re living in the thick of it. And trying to smile the whole way through. No. No, really I’m fine… I was not fine.
3. I didn’t think anyone would want to read my life experiences if I wasn’t galavanting around the world and living my best life ever single day. But, I was very wrong. With lifestyle blogging only getting trendier and trendier, why the fuck not. So here we go, round two. I’m getting real AF.
So what’s new? Well let’s start from where I reeeeallly, genuinely ended off with you all. I came back home after that incident in Madrid and I was beside myself. Probably the most depressed I have ever been in my life. Every dream I built up until then shattered before my eyes. It sucked so bad. I tried to put a brave face on and it worked for a while. A long while actually.
I took a job as an estate manager. Thankfully I adore my boss and his family. so taking a job, and having a boss wasn’t a huge step back for me. Even though I will still REDEFINE THE 9-5… S/O to bossman, He supports my blog, my entrepreneurial spirit and I’m so thankful for his support and encouragement through everything.
I played caregiver for a year where I was unappreciated, which eventually turned into an emotionally abusive relationship. I lost my true self and found myself glimpsing back in the horror of my childhood, (being raised by an abusive, narcissistic father). I was repeating history. It made me sick. I had to change EVERYTHING. I ended my engagement. That was hard and uncomfortable AF. Moved out of my moms house. Uprooted myself once more from everything I knew. And started this new “adult-like” life.
I’d say one of the worst things about that last paragraph was ending the engagement. And not because my heart was breaking, but because I was going to have to face every single person i knew IRL and on social media. I was going to have to have all the answers to the head cocks, gasps and raised eyebrows… I got A LOT of flack. From “friends” and “family”. People told me I was a heartless person for leaving. Especially under the circumstances… Others understood. Regardless of the “you don’t have to explain anything to anyone” the reality is, you kinda do, cause they’re gonna ask, so you might as well be the one to give out the answers.
So yeah, that happened. And I’m sure one day soon, I’ll write a post about how you too can end a toxic relationship, when you feel stuck and scared and alone. But this is not that post. But look out for it, cause like i said, I’m getting real AF this year.
Anyways, after all that happened, I moved into the “bad ass babe cave” with two of my best friends, Charity and Alex. It’s an amazing space of loving and comfy energy. We have created this safe space sanctuary for ourselves and those we hold close and I am sooo thankful. I also started networking with other bloggers and influencers in San Diego. That’s been a life/ game changer. Oh and I’ve been going to networking events, ALONE (wuuuutttt). I’ve been putting myself out there, sharing visions, inspirations, ideas… let me tell you, meeting and connecting with women who are passionate about and interested in similar things as i am, is phenomenal. It’s literally changed my life. I’ve made some incredible new friends so far && you know who you are. I love youuu and I’m thankful for you!
Now that I have allowed myself to “do me” again. I’m getting my vibe back. Thank god. People are starting to straight up tell me that it’s nice to have “the old me” back. So means I must be doing something right. I’ve been working on following my intuition (not my spontaneous, irresponsible ways) but my positive, guiding force. I’ve been going to Yoga. I’ve been eating vegetarian (with some off days every now and then, hey I’m not perfect). I’ve been living life on MY time for once, not rushing around worried about everyone else’s agenda. I have been working on my self- love, self-image and self-talk. I’ve been reading. Meditating. Speaking out. Listening. Oh and I’ve also been dating. But that’s a whole notha post.. hahaha cause that shits crazy lol.
But all in all, I’ve been living my life. It may not be what I thought it was going to be. I’m definitely not on track with my “life plan” I sadistically made at 16… HAH. But I fucking love where I am right now. And I’m not sorry about swearing, because I’m THAT passionate about it. I love that I am here and I GOT MYSELF HERE. By trusting myself to do the unthinkable, allowing myself to fail miserably, shatter my heart, loose all my money, feel the lowest lows, I am now able to take those failures and LEARN INFINITELY. Pick up those heart pieces and sincerely know it’s okay to LOVE AGAIN. Realize that money, it can be made over and over and over again, so don’t sweat it. And now that I’ve felt that lowest low, i know how capable I am to pick myself out of that rut, and move along.
Anyways. I love that after almost one year of pulling my own hair out and banging my head against a creative wall, trying to write posts that would “matter”, staring at a blank page, I sit down, Get real with myself and bust out this healing and transparent post in T minus 20 minutes. Hahahah. Oh life. I guess the moral of the story, for me at least, is to stay on this path of growing through what I go through.
May my experiences, both sufferings and successes, be of service to you ✨✌🏼🌱
Until next time,